If you put shame in a petri dish……

This extract is taken from audio version of The Power of Vulnerability by Brene Brown.

Shame is the gremlin who says “never good enough” and if you can talk it out of that one “who do you think you are?”.

The thing to understand about shame is its not guilt.

Shame is a focus on self.

Guilt is a focus on behaviour.

Shame is “I am bad”

Guilt is “I did something bad”

Shame is highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide, eating disorders.

And here’s what you need to know even more, Guilt is inversely correlated with those things.

Shame for women is this web of unobtainable, conflicting, competing expectations about who we are supposed to be.

For men, shame is not a bunch of competing conflicting expectations. Shame is one “Don’t be perceived as what?” “Weak”.

But the truth is vulnerability is not weakness.

I define vulnerability as emotional risk, exposure, certainty, it fuels our daily lives and I’ve come to the belief this is my 12th year doing this research that vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage.

If we are going to find our way back to each other we have to understand and know empathy because empathy is the antidote to shame.

If you put shame in a petri dish it nerds 3 things to grow exponentially, secrecy, silence and judgement.

If you put the same amount of shame in a petri dish and douse it with empathy it can’t survive.

The 2 most powerful words when we’re in struggle are “me too”.

If we are going to find our way back to each other vulnerability is going to be that path.

If you haven’t discovered Brene Brown and her work yet, go Google her. Her work should be on every Government agenda and every school curriculum and every company policy.

Empathy by Brene Brown

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A strange affirmation for anxiety

I love this post which explains how excitement and anxiety produce the same chemicals and by repeating the phrase “I am excited” 3 times helps change your experience.

With reference to scientific studies of how it helped people with a presentation.

Shifting from anxiety to excitement

Resilient:How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength and Happiness.

This is an excerpt from the new book by Dr. Rick Hanson with Forrest Hanson.

I completely agree with what he’s written, I’ve wrote recently about using daily self love actions and have written a programme called “Building an Internal Six Pack”. Both of these things are based on building your internal strength by recognising all the small achievements on a daily basis.

True resilience is about much more than simply surviving the worst day of your life. It’s about thriving every day of your life. This book will teach you how to grow key strengths inside yourself – like grit, gratitude, and compassion – for lasting well-being in a changing world.

Feeling Successful

There is an architecture of aims inside us that ranges from microscopic regulatory processes within individual cells all the way up to our loftiest aspirations. Living is inherently goal-directed. Experiences of meeting your goals feel good, lower stress, and build positive motivation. They reassure you that you’re making progress, which helps you stay in the Responsive mode – in the green zone – as you go through your day. There are outcome goals such as getting out of bed in the morning, coming to a good understanding with someone at work, and washing the dishes after dinner. And there are process goals – ongoing values and aims – such as being honest, learning and growing, and taking care of your health.

If you think about it, you can see that you are accomplishing many outcome and process goals every hour.

For example, as you walk across a room, each step is a goal. This may sound trivial, but for a toddler learning to walk, each step is a victory. In a conversation, each word understood and facial expression deciphered is a goal attained. At work, every email read, text sent, and point made in a meeting is an accomplishment.

Since each day is full of goals, large and small, it is full of opportunities to take in experiences of successful goal attainment. Doing this builds up an internal sense of being successful, which helps us weather criticism and be less dependent upon the approval of others.

Much self-importance and acting superior is a compensation for underlying feelings of failure and inadequacy. Consequently, feeling like a success deep down can help people lighten up and take themselves less seriously. A durable sense of being successful comes from internalizing many experiences of small successes, not from seeing a big trophy outside such as a fancy car parked in the driveway.

Feelings of Failure
We all accomplish countless outcome and process goals each day. Yet many people do not feel very successful. One reason is the negativity bias. Internal alarms go off when we don’t meet goals, and dopamine activity drops in the brain, which feels bad and heightens anxiety, tension, and drivenness. But when we do meet our goals, we often don’t recognize it. People can be inattentive or numb as they do one task after another, or so focused on whatever is around the bend that they zoom through the finish line as they rush on to the next race.

When you notice an accomplishment, how often do you feel the success, if just for a moment? It’s common to block feelings of success due to fears of being ridiculed or punished for standing out or thinking you’re somebody special. And when you do have a sense of success, do you slow down to take it in and hardwire it into your nervous system?

The number of actual failures in any person’s life is tiny compared to the vast number of goals that have been successfully attained. But the failures are highlighted by the brain, associated with painful feelings, and stored deeply in memory. This crowds out a legitimate and well-earned sense of being an accomplished and successful person.

The number of actual failures in any person’s life is tiny compared to the vast number of goals that have been successfully attained. But the failures are highlighted by the brain, associated with painful feelings, and stored deeply in memory. This crowds out a legitimate and well-earned sense of being an accomplished and successful person.

The number of actual failures in any person’s life is tiny compared to the vast number of goals that have been successfully attained. But the failures are highlighted by the brain, associated with painful feelings, and stored deeply in memory. This crowds out a legitimate and well-earned sense of being an accomplished and successful person.

The number of actual failures in any person’s life is tiny compared to the vast number of goals that have been successfully attained. But the failures are highlighted by the brain, associated with painful feelings, and stored deeply in memory. This crowds out a legitimate and well-earned sense of being an accomplished and successful person.

The number of actual failures in any person’s life is tiny compared to the vast number of goals that have been successfully attained. But the failures are highlighted by the brain, associated with painful feelings, and stored deeply in memory. This crowds out a legitimate and well-earned sense of being an accomplished and successful person.

The number of actual failures in any person’s life is tiny compared to the vast number of goals that have been successfully attained. But the failures are highlighted by the brain, associated with painful feelings, and stored deeply in memory. This crowds out a legitimate and well-earned sense of being an accomplished and successful person.

The number of actual failures in any person’s life is tiny compared to the vast number of goals that have been successfully attained. But the failures are highlighted by the brain, associated with painful feelings, and stored deeply in memory. This crowds out a legitimate and well-earned sense of being an accomplished and successful person.

The number of actual failures in any person’s life is tiny compared to the vast number of goals that have been successfully attained. But the failures are highlighted by the brain, associated with painful feelings, and stored deeply in memory. This crowds out a legitimate and well-earned sense of being an accomplished and successful person.

The fear of failure is worsened if you grew up with with a lot of criticism, even if there was also a lot of love. It’s also worsened if you are part of a company – or more broadly, an economy – that’s incentivized to keep people on the proverbial hamster wheel, with real success always slightly out of reach. Make your first dollar? It’s on to the first thousand. Make your $1000?` Well, so-and-so made $10,000. Get promoted? Stay hungry. Win a championship? Better repeat next year. Work harder, stay later, give 110 percent . . . but it’s never quite enough. The goalposts keep getting pushed back.

Feeling afraid of being a loser can be motivating, whether for a child or for a CEO. But over the long haul, those negative feelings wear people down and lower performance. Feeling reasonably successful already helps people aim high, recover from setbacks, and achieve their best.

Since you actually are moving from success to success hundreds of times each day, it’s simple justice to feel successful.

Since you actually are moving from success to success hundreds of times each day, it’s simple justice to feel successful.

Since you actually are moving from success to success hundreds of times each day, it’s simple justice to feel successful.

Click here for Rick’s website to purchase his book and get access to free gifts.

What to Do When You Are Freaking the Fuck Out

Damn, Girl. Get Your Shit Together.

Spring is right around the corner! Better weather, new beginnings, and for many of us, it means a lot more social, work, and family responsibilities. If for you that translates into outright panic or good old-fashioned stress, here are three great strategies for when you are freaking the fuck out.

View original post 834 more words

You are your greatest gift

In this world the most challenging thing can be to be your true self. You can become so bogged down with everything around you without even realising it’s happening.

And how do you know it’s happened? When something lights you back up again and you realise that you had lost your way.

I am an empath, I have a beautiful gift of sensitivity and I love the people in my life, but as an empath I can absorb all of your rubbish.

You may not say it, but if it’s in your energy field I feel it and it can affect me. It’s like coming home with everyone’s laundry. I’m trying to work out how to get the equivalent of an energetic laundrette at my house.

My responsibility is too manage myself, my commitments and my life so that I’m in the best place possible for the people I love. I’m still learning.

What sparked this post was reading the post at the bottom by Crystal dreams. Her list of 1 to 80 felt like my todo list for 2018.

And do you know what, it lit me back up. It reminded me that when you sing from the song of your heart and soul you are the happiest you could ever be.

And when you do that you are the most beautiful and charming person to be with in the world.

So have a look at the article or peruse her 80 guidelines for living. If any government needed a new manifesto then it surely should be this one.

1. Take responsibility for your life. Stop blaming others, outside influences, your past, the planets, the weather. Own your own chaos and start to address your problems one by one. Begin with your home. You cannot function properly if your home is in a state of chaos, untidiness and filth. Then move on to bigger issues. Your relationships, your job, your finances. It is, quite simply, your choice.
2. Live in the Now. Stop worrying about the future or dwelling in the past. The only moment you can change is right here, right now.
3. Every now and then unplug yourself. Almost everything will function properly again once you disconnect it from the “mains” for a while, reboot it and then restart the programme. The same is valid for humans.
4. Spend at least 30 minutes a day in nature. Ground yourself. Walk barefoot on the earth if you can. Nature truly is our greatest healer.
5. Spend less time on Social Media and more time with those you love. Social Media scatters and fragments your energy enormously and a big part of why you are feeling frazzled all.the.time.
6. Don’t hang on to anger and resentment. Equally, don’t ignore them either. Anger is a valuable emotional reaction when we feel wronged and a clear signal that our boundaries need to be (re)established or (re)evaluated. Take time to be with your feelings, work your way through them and understand why you feel the way you do. The moment you understand, you will be able to let go, just like that.
7. Be kind to yourself and others. You never know what the other is going through.
8. Meditate. Often. Write in your journal, process the day.
9. It is ok to feel self-pity now and then, but don’t dwell there. Rather harness the energy to create a better future for yourself.
10. Be Grateful. For the good and the bad. They both have worthy lessons to teach.
11. Listen to the silence. It has much to say.
12. Cry when you need to cry. It will release the pressure and bring healing to the pain.
13. Let go of Pride and Prejudice.
14. Stop living your life according to the latest planetary alignments, horoscope, cosmic weather, list of recent ascension symptoms and general tarot readings. Whilst a good, personal energy, astrology or tarot reading can bring much clarity and insight, fully living your life according to what has been “foretold” is the best way to stop the magic from happening. One choice today will alter your path tomorrow. Ignore any sensationalist doom and gloom messages repeated ad nauseum. They are designed to lure the masses into a “need” by keeping you trapped in your misery so that you keep coming back for more.
15. Understand that NOTHING will cure you other than YOU. There is not a single crystal, healing modality, healer or guru who can miraculously fix you. The only thing they can do is align you with the frequency of the healing you need to find within yourself. You have to do the work. You will have to do the inner work. Nobody can do it for you.
16. Own your addictions. Owning them is the beginning to curing them. Whether sugar, drugs, alcohol, food, sex, OCD… the list is endless. Own it. Then watch the transformation happen. It may not be overnight, but you will take control more and more until one day… you are free.
17. Deep Healing takes time. Be patient and and gentle with yourself. Trust that you will get there.
18. You have all the answers within. Seek advice with those you trust but listen to the wisdom of your soul.
19. Trust your gut. It knows more than your mind.
20. Let go of the need to be right or defend yourself. Truth will eventually out and people will respect you for it even more.
21. Your body is your temple. Learn to love it, just the way it is. The more you love it, the better you will treat it and the more it will love you back and transform into the way you would love it to be.
22. There is no such thing as coincidence. Everything has a meaning.
23. Opinion is the lowest form of knowledge.
24. Stop procrastinating and evading unpleasant situations. The sooner you grab the proverbial bull by the horns, the sooner the problem will go away.
25. Nothing will ever truly go away until we have learnt the lesson fully. If you find yourself in a repeat groundhog- day pattern, ask yourself what you are not wanting to see. See it.
26. Know that it is ok to let go. Step away from people and situations which you have outgrown. Move on. It is fine and the way it is meant to be. It is all part of your and their growth.
27. Self-care and self-nurture is vital. Allow yourself to rest. You cannot pour from an empty cup.
28. Understand the power of your thoughts. Thought creates and manifests energy. You can invest that power in negativity or positivity. The choice is yours.
29. Know that there will be days that you will feel out of sorts, emotional and overwhelmed. I still have them regularly and that is ok. Surrender to the feeling, be with it and try to find the reason. Sometimes you will, sometimes you won’t. And that is fine. Tomorrow is another day and this too, shall pass.
30. If you are having a super unmotivated day, still try and do one productive thing, preferably something you love.
31. Create order, structure and a certain routine in your day. Begin with making your bed. Schedule your day. Make a to-do list if you find it hard to keep to your schedule and get to the end of the day having achieved all your goals. You will be surprised how good it feels to tick all your to-do’s off the list as the day goes by.
32. Equally, make time to be “free” for a while each day.
33. Did I mention meditate?
34. Stop getting involved in drama. Be discerning in what you read, listen to and believe. Limit your time on TV / Radio / Social Media networks that proclaim the latest doom and gloom news. Stop sharing sensationalist news, be it on terror, horrendous crashes, personal tragedy. It only spreads more angst and enforces control of the masses. Better even ditch TV and Radio altogether.
35. Your TV probably has over 500 channels. If you find yourself brainlessly flicking through them, remember that there is an off button.
36. Read lots of books to expand your knowledge and horizons. If you find this difficult because of time pressures, listen to audio-books instead. Listen to them when commuting, ironing, doing your chores. I have “read” through stacks of books in the last 3 months by using audible and it has been life-changing.
37. Trust. The Universe has your back.
38. Travel as much as you can. It will bring many an unexpected gift.
39. Remember that fear is an illusion. Unless in a real, life-threatening situation, most of what we imagine could happen, never happens.
40. Tell those you love that you love them.
41. Make every day count.
42. You cannot change others. Either accept them as they are or choose to distance yourself.
43. Relationships change. Your marriage, your friendship, your loveship. They will all evolve and change, and that is good. You can either grow with them or stay frozen in stagnation. Your choice.
44. Communication is vital. Express your feelings. Lack of communication is one of the biggest reasons for disharmony. If you find it hard to speak your feelings, write them down and pass your message on that way. Explain if you are finding it hard to express your emotions verbally. It will be understood.
45. Every now and then, take a risk. Go on an adventure. It adds spice to life and expands your horizons.
46. Clean up after yourself.
47. Avoid gossip and gossip magazines. You have no idea how horrendous and destructive their energy is.
48. What others think about you is none of your business.
49. Equally, what others do is none of your business.
50. Change is good. Stop resisting it.
51. Be creative in whichever way you love. Write, draw, paint, crochet, make jewellery, build something. It doesn’t matter what it is. But being creative matters to your soul and happiness. Creativity is one of the greatest healers.
52. You have more strength, resilience and courage within you than you will ever know. You can do this.
53. Make love not war.
54. Move your body. Exercise gently for 30 minutes a day. A brisk walk and 15 minutes of gentle Yoga will work wonders.
55. Your family is your greatest teacher.
56. Have regular, nourishing meals. It creates order in our day and order in your body.
57. There is life after copy and paste messages. Stop brainlessly copying messages onto your status. This too is a form of control and stops you from engaging your own brain and creativity.
58. Be patient. Everything will come to you at the right time.
59. Keep dreaming. Your dreams are the vehicle to manifestation.
60. Think before you speak.
61. Treat everyone with respect.
62. Have fun! If you forgot how to do that, play with a child for a while.
63. If someone really gets under your skin and triggers you deeply, there is an important lesson to learn. Step back, take a breath, observe your reaction and then take considered action.
64. Set boundaries if you feel violated. It is ok to define your limits. It is not a sign of weakness but of strength.
65. Show your emotions. Not everybody is good at reading other people’s energy or body language.
66. Stop worrying about getting older. It is a privilege denied to many.
67. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
68. Stop being available 24/7. There really is no need to answer that phone/message/text/email immediately.
69. Dare to be vulnerable. Your integrity will earn you deep respect.
70. There is no such thing as failure. Even when you give up for a while, it is not failure. See it as a breakthrough. There WILL be a point where you will be ready to try again.
71. Be totally honest with yourself. It will set you free.
72. Never stop learning. The moment you stop learning, life will become dull and meaningless.
73. Nothing will ever be perfect. Just be the most imperfectly perfect you can be, because all is perfect as it is anyway. One of the great paradoxes of life.
74. Be aware of energy. Your energy, the energy of your words, your thoughts, the energy of others, of things. I wish I could show everyone the effect and impact of energy. If we would all be aware of it, this world would truly be a better place.
75. Stop complaining. It keeps you trapped in the energy and makes you a victim.
76. Never ever grow up. It ‘s a trap 😉
77. It is never too late to change anything.
78. Love is the answer. No matter what the question.
79. Be the change you wish to see.
80. Be . Authentically .You. Always.

The Full Article from Crystal Dreams 

Give yourself the gift of….. 


Half an hour.

It’s the last week before Christmas and you could see yourself riding the waves or going under and spluttering. 

That gift could make all the difference, if you were an investment banker you would be the top dog because the return on your investment of 30 minutes would give you a return that money can’t buy, unflappable at Christmas.

So stop what you’re doing right now and get a pen and paper. Don’t self sabotage by saying “oh I can only do it on nice paper and with my lovely ink pen”. Even if you have to write it on the back of all the amazon packaging (this investment is a great one, it’s not affected by not having the right tools, only the willingness to get on top of the wave that is consumerism season gone mad). And follow these instructions……..

1. Just write out everything that needs to be done this week. Go wild, go on put in all the unachievable barbie world idealistics of also cleaning the bathroom and filling it with scented candles.

2. Now pick the top 10 things that under no circumstances must be done.

3. Now really question yourself, do they really have to be done? Do you really need to have hand made croissants for breakfast? Is there anything on that top ten that is really habit, tradition or because society thinks you should do it. A bit of a clue, if it makes your heart sing and feel really contented then do it. And I mean a real peace not a false I’ll feel better because it’s out of the way.

4. OK split your paper into the days of the week and map in what things are already happening and where can you put those tasks in. Can anything be moved around?

5. OK big one here, because if you’re feeling stressed about Christmas, one reason could be that you are doing it all. Whose doing all of these jobs and can any be delegated?

Keep that plan in sight and review it at the end of each day, will take 5 minutes.

And even if you don’t do this, don’t beat yourself up for being stressed, relax, let go, enjoy and be kind to yourself, you’re doing the best you can.

For daily inspiration to be kind to yourself and be your greatest cheerleader see my Facebook page. 

You Are Loved 

Self Love Day 22 – Gratitude are you doing it properly? 

My Sunday morning started with purchasing a positivity magazine from Dotty Delightful. I can highly recommend it and below is a link to purchase something that for the price of a coffee will lift you longer than the caffeine high. 

Dotty Delightful Rainbow Positivity Magazine Etsy Shop

I love colour and positivity and this was brimming with it, just flicking through the pages instantly made me feel relaxed and lighter. 

One of the pages was about gratitude and asked you to list 10 things that you are grateful for. 

If you are like me, then your Facebook page is always filled with positive memes and recommendations for gratitude. Sometimes we can see something so much that we can switch off from it and forget about the power that it has. 

I knew that I had positivity fatigue as I looked and thought “yeah I know I need to be grateful” and as I heard myself say that I realised that I had “positivity fatigue” and needed to remedy it quick. 

So if you are filled with so much positivity but know that somewhere it isn’t working then take the time to do this, reconnect properly with gratitude. 

1. Get your journal, paper, pens and block out half an hour from the people in your life (they will really benefit, because at the end of it they will get the new and improved version of you). 

2. Firstly centre yourself, you do this by just closing your eyes, making sure your feet are on the floor and just take 3 nice deep breaths. 

3. Write “I am grateful for (fill in the blank) because………… (the power is in the” because ” it helps it stop just being a list and really helps you to connect to the reasons why). 

4. Repeat step 3 nine more times. 

5. Go back to your life with a much more relaxed and calm centre, you and the people around you will appreciate it. 

If you want see more of Dotty Delightful and what she does 

Dotty Delightful 

My next Journaling For Self Love course starts on Thursday 8th June

Journaling For Self Love 

Help I have a teenager and it is GCSE time.

exam stress
You can feel the tension in the country as the exams start and families with teenagers take a sharp intake of breath, here are some thoughts to help you through.
If your teenager is stressed then treat them like you would treat a frightened child, on the outside stressed pupils can display stubborn behaviour and refuse to do things, remember behaviour is always a way of communicating what is really going on for them. On the outside it maybe willful and moody but on the inside they are absolutely
frightened to death,
frightened of failing,
frightened of letting you down,
frightened of walking out into the big wide world,
frightened of not knowing what to do,
frightened of what their peers think of them.
I realise that you will have tried everything with them and may have tried these, but here are some strategies that will most definitely help….
1. Text them every day telling them that you love them, are proud of them and that it doesn’t matter what happens you will always be proud of them, (they will wonder what is going on but do it anyway).
2. Just listen, ask them how their day was and just listen, don’t tell them what to do (I know its really hard not to as it feels that their future is at stake right now, but the thing that they need most is to feel listened to, if they are feeling anxious, they will be feeling frightened and when frightened they will just shut down at any instructions as to what to do).
3. Ask them do they need a hug, they will balk at you and think you are crazy, but every teenager no matter how cool they think they are still needs a hug from their mum. I have given this advice to countless parents and one reported back that their son was having lots of tantrums about everything. The mum just stood there and offered him a hug, the son refused, but the mum continued to offer a hug each morning and eventually he took the hug and things got much better, not in a Disney happily ever after way, but in a “we are going to be ok” way.
4. Be kind to yourself,  you aren’t failing as a parent because they are struggling, the best thing that you can do for your teenager is to be calm and relaxed and have faith that they and you will come through this unscathed and smiling.

Remember to breathe, feel and allow it to flow, it’s the not feeling our uncomfortable feelings that causes so many problems.

If as a parent you are in need of a daily dose of positivity on your Facebook page then head on over to You Are Loved

 

Self Love Day 21 – Let it go, let it go… How to really let go. 

frozen

I know you have had enough of the film and now I have mentioned it you can’t stop singing that all important life instruction “let it go”. No matter how annoyed you are with the film I feel it has an important message (love thaws, fear freezes) and what is even more amazing is that a nation of children are singing that life instruction to all the adults. You get the picture, adults are stressed and tense, trying to run a family, a household and the kids are just singing “let it go, let it go…”, thank you very much Disney for those instructions but how do you actually let it go.

The internet is buoyed up with lots of information of what you should do, but not always on how to do it. For me it is always about taking the time to stop and just pay attention.

Our subconscious and psyche are really amazing, they know exactly what they are doing, if only we understood them better and could see that they are truly trying to help us and not put us through hell.

Sometimes we can struggle to let something go because there is an emotion that needs healing and it can be an emotion from the past. The very clever psyche will alert us to things that need healing by “triggering” us, it could be that when somebody says something to you, your feelings and reaction are completely out of proportion to the situation, but what you know for sure is that those feelings are very real for you.

So step 1 – just recognising and having the awareness that your emotions are over the top for the situation will help you to distance yourself from them and just observe.

Step 2 – journal on your feelings, just actually stop, sit down and write out everything that you feel about the situation. As you start to write about how you are feeling or what you would like to say to the other person, you may find that you gently yield to some other emotions that you maybe hadn’t realised where there.

Give yourself the time and respect that you would give someone else to just have a look at something. Often in life it is the most simple solutions that help us, but we are so used to continuing on our hamster wheel reacting the way that we have done and only really maybe looking when a crisis happens.

You may find that when you journal that there are other feelings under there from a previous situation. For a variety of reasons when things happen to us we may bury our feelings. They remain in our subconscious and when similar events happen they can be triggered.

Its a bit like when you start to do laundry its helpful to put all the light coloured things together as they wash much better, its similar with your feelings. There maybe a situation where somebody ignores your feelings and you feel angry and similar to when you do wash day and shout “anybody got any lights that need doing” , your subconscious is shouting out “any more anger in there to get out” and like those old smelly socks underneath a teenagers bed, the other anger comes up going “oh hello, anger being processed, can we come too” and like those smelly socks that  are smelling rancid, the anger may feel very strong and out of proportion to the situation, but is only because the anger has been festering under some teenagers bed.

When you have a backlog of laundry you may feel a little overwhelmed and when you start to look at your feelings, you may find that you have a bit of backlog, but with a bit of time put aside you can work through that laundry and somewhere some part of you will be very grateful that all the smelly socks have been dealt with.

If you would like some support with that backlog of laundry, I do 1 2 1 coaching and run journaling courses which provide a safe environment to support you.

Journaling For Self Love