Self Love Day 19- What do you need? 

So how does it all get messed up, you know feeling frustrated, unhappy?

One of the reasons is that your needs are not being met. Again it is that simple act of placing awareness on your needs and meeting them.

One of the problems is that we can feel selfish meeting our needs or somewhere we don’t look because we are concerned that when we discover our needs we won’t actually be able to meet them and then we’ll be even more disappointed.

I can tell you that when you get down to your needs, they are actually very simple and it is easy and straightforward to meet them.

The problem is that they have been neglected for so long  that they are buried very deep under everyone else’s needs and a whole host of resentment.

One of the other problems is that we are so heavily drawn into other people meeting our needs, that’s a big strain on any relationship (let me qualify that when I use the word relationship I am not just talking in the sense of romantic, I am talking about every person you relate to, some are stronger relationships than others).

If we don’t know what our needs are, but yet we expect everyone around us to know what our needs are and get frustrated with people when they don’t fulfil our needs, it’s a clear recipe for unhappiness.

So start by just taking the time to ask yourself what your needs are. Make a decision that everyday for the next week that you are going to take 10 minutes to just write down what it is you need right now.

At first it will be a holiday in the Bahamas, win the lottery so that I don’t have to work however what you will find underneath it all (that is the magic of doing it for seven days, at day 4 you hit the “I don’t know anymore” keep going, the gold is there) that your needs can be as simple as needing a walk in the morning on your own and by meeting your need for that day you are a much happier person to be around and isn’t that worth investing time in?

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You Are Loved 

Self Love Day 18 – How to believe in yourself

I believe in myself 2

Belief is like a muscle and therefore like a muscle it can be put on a training programme.

I would start with a programme of affirmations of “I believe in myself” “I believe I can do this” just constantly repeating it throughout your day and even more so when thoughts come up contrary to that.

When those thoughts come up they are just coming from your ego and your ego is there strange though it may seem, to protect you.

I know I can see your furrowed brow, what my ego is trying to protect me!

Dictionary Definition

Your ego is your conscious mind, the part of your identity that you consider your“self.” If you say someone has “a big ego,” then you are saying he is too full of himself.

Your ego is made up of your conscious thoughts and those thoughts will be reminding you “oh no don’t try that, the last time you tried that you failed and that was humiliating and that feeling of humiliation was painful and I don’t like painful feelings so lets not do anything that brings up painful feelings” so that is how it is trying to protect you.

So now when you try and change your thoughts to ones of belief and doubting thoughts come up you can be more gentle more loving with your mind and say “thank you for reminding me, but its going to be ok and I am going to learn how to handle it”. Dismissing your thoughts positive or negative is just dismissing a part of yourself and that is not very loving, its all about balance and having a healthy awareness of which thoughts are helpful and which ones are trying to protect you. In time  you will build in new experiences and either won’t experience humiliating thoughts or you will handle the humiliating thoughts with love and gentleness and any doubting thoughts will start to change.

We all have different levels of fear and resistance to believing in ourselves and can all prescribe ourselves a gym programme of reps of positive affirmations and below are some ideas on how you can remember to do them …..

  • Start with waking up in the morning and just looking yourself in the mirror (I know cheesy american stuff, but when you get over it and how much it will bring into your life through just one simple move then you’ll be adding pickle onto the cheesiness) and say I love you and I believe in you, do it, honestly try it, but do it for 30 days and see how different you feel.
  • Write yourself post it notes and post them all over the house, on your bathroom mirror, on the fridge, but you know what works really well? Go put them all over the house in the places that you don’t can’t see. Go do it, on  the inside of your wardrobe doors, on the inside of cupboard doors, on a towel in your airing cupboard, under your duvet, in your purse, in the food cupboard on a tin, anywhere you can think of. Go do it, I am smiling at the look on your face when you find all these and forgot that you had put them there.
  • Put a reminder on your phone with a gorgeous photo of yourself attached to it. No this is not cheese or ego, you are not doing the oh my god I am gorgeous look at me routine, you are looking at yourself and feeling the love for yourself in the way that you would look at a child or a baby and say I love you. In fact if you find it difficult putting a photo of yourself on your phone, put a photo of yourself as a child on your phone and tell that child everyday that you love and believe in them. Oh my god can you imagine if the whole world did this, how awesome and wonderful we would all feel.

So 3 easy ways for you to start feeling love and belief in yourself.

If you want to go deeper with this work or need some encouragement to get you started then contact me.

You Are Loved

Self Love Day 17 – Believe In Yourself

So today its all about believing in yourself.

The most successful people got where they are today because they believed in themselves.

One of the major cornerstones of the work that I do is about helping you to believe in yourself. I encourage you to be your own best cheerleader, it doesn’t matter if nobody else believes in you as long as you do and do you know what is magical about that, the moment you start believing in yourself the whole world and his dog joins in and starts believing in you too.

Do you know what is not magical, expecting everyone to believe in you before you do. It’s so draining on relationships, yes people can support you and be there for you but have you got the balance right? If  you are feeling frustrated because people around you are not encouraging you or believing in you then the first thing to do is to check in with your own level of self belief. How much do you believe that you can do it? If you don’t believe in yourself and are expecting someone else to do it for you that is a big strain on the relationship that you have with them.

Everything we need is within us (if what is within us is not what we need to support us we can change that). What could be within us that would stop us believing in ourselves? Past experiences, beliefs that we have taken on from society, school, work, family, friends, other voices that we have listened to other than our own.

So what if you have no belief in your self, what can you do? There are lots of things you can do and in my next post I will outline some really super simple and very effective things that you can do to raise your belief in yourself.

If you feel that what you have inside of you is not helping you to believe in yourself I run courses and individual coaching sessions to help you change that.

You can do this, you have got this, I believe in you.

Journaling For Self Love

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Apologies to those awaiting “time part 2”, this has come up as a bigger priority and I will get back to you about time, in time!

Self Love Day 16 – Time, the most overused and inaccurate statement

pocket-watch

So what is it? The most inaccurate statement?

“I don’t have enough time”

I am sorry but I am going to call you out on that one, you have the same 24 hours that everybody gets, what is a more accurate statement is

“I am not prioritising my time to suit my needs”.

You have the same 24 hours that every single living thing on this planet gets, you are the person in charge of what you do with that time. So if somebody asks you to do something and you respond with “I don’t have time” what you are actually saying is “I am not going to make what you want me to do a priority”

So how do you start shifting your behaviour around this and give yourself more time (which you now know you can’t do!) but what you can do is take more control over what you spend your time on. To do this I am going to recommend the very simple but powerful strategy that can be applied to any part of your life which is………..

STOP and take some time out

Look at what you are spending your time on

Decide how you want to repriortise your time.

make a list

So why don’t you do that now. You can look at just one day, a week, do it, stop and look and list where you are spending your time and then decide where you would like to be spending your time.

Here are a few suggestions

  • Print several copies of the chart below and fill them in.
  • If you prefer to be more technical then there are lots of apps that you can use to help you track your time. I have just tried aTimeLogger from Play Store.

In my next article I will share an example of how to help understand your reasons and motivations for where you spend your time.

24 Hour pie chart day and night

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You Are Loved

Self Love Day 15 – The Joy Of The Dark

When we numb the darkness

The sun is shining in the United Kingdom at the moment and it is wonderful. As you look around everybody feels much more relaxed and happier, it’s amazing what the weather can do.

So what happens when it’s not sunny, what about when we feel like we are having a bad day? Do you give yourself a hard time about it? Which by the way isn’t helpful as you are sending yourself the message that you have done something wrong.

What if we looked at it differently, what if we celebrated it, changed our perspective on what is actually happening on a “bad day”?

It is easy to feel happy when the sun is out, everybody is in a good mood and it takes no effort whatsoever and it feels nice. What we forget is that it takes much more effort to make it through a more challenging day, it takes more mind and emotional power,

……..so actually you are working harder, fighting whatever it is that is going on,

……..so actually you are doing more work on a bad day, but yet we beat ourselves up for feeling bad.

I am working with people who have been “battling” with negative thoughts, emotions and feelings and I congratulate them and I encourage them to do the same. Nobody knows how much of a battle you are fighting, nobody knows how much energy and effort it is taking for you to smile and make it through the day without punching somebody.

When you are having a “battle” and the skies feel grey here are a few strategies that are tried and tested.

  • See the darkness as a person, as a part of you, welcome it in, tell it that you are here for it, to look after it, it is a part of you and that you are not going to reject it. Most people are afraid of this strategy as they are concerned that they will feel worse. there is an expression that what we resist persists and this is true with our challenge.
  • Go curl up on the couch with your tea, biscuits and duvet and cuddle something and imagine this something is your “battle”, be with it, hold it, nurture it.
  • Imagine the darkness as a small frightened child, ask it what it wants, what it needs.
  • You are not your feeling, this too will pass, you are not a bad person because you are having a bad day.

Most of the strategies that I use are about embracing your challenge and realising that it is a part of you. In most of the cases that I have worked with, somewhere you are growing, overcoming something. I have found that most of the time it is an old emotion wanting to surface from the past.

When we have painful experiences our psyche as a coping strategy will sometimes bury some of it. We do this to protect ourselves, it is a safety mechanism, somewhere we don’t feel strong enough to deal with it.

So on what feels like our darkest days can be that somewhere our psyche feels strong enough to deal with something from the past. What do we do, we beat ourselves up because we feel that we are not coping and because we are having a bad day when the exact opposite is true. We are strong enough to care for ourselves and our emotional needs and our rejection of it can make it feel more challenging.

Be kind, be gentle to yourself and remember that on your darkest days is probably when you are at your strongest and even though you don’t feel it you are probably shining your brightest, you just can’t see it because you are looking at your dark.

Go light up your world and everyone around you.

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You Are Loved

Self Love Day 13 – Isn’t it selfish?

pexels-photo-266011.jpeg

If I discuss what my coaching passion is (in case you haven’t guessed, it’s self love) a response I sometimes get is

“but isn’t it selfish to put myself first?”

This would depend on what your definition of self love is.

Some people think it is about being greedy and uncaring,

some think it is about spending all their money on themselves and not thinking about anybody else.

We are inherently wired to look after each other and care for each others needs, its a tribal primordial programme hardwired in our brain. We all have hearts (in the wider sense not the physical sense) and when they are functioning properly you feel so much love for your fellow man that you cannot help but be happy. The problem is that so many people have closed hearts because of pain they have experienced over the years and have lost touch with a sense of who they are.

We are all here with a purpose and so many of us feel bogged down and have lost our way that we literally cannot see the wood for the trees. This can be a sign of a closed heart and a disconnection from who you really are as a person.

Why do people literally go gaga over babies?

Is it because they are just pure love, they are so happy, so content in their bodies and just radiate a feeling that nothing else seems to touch. This is an example of a human being in touch with themselves and having a lovely open heart.

So when we are talking about self love, we are talking about getting back to that sense of peace we can feel as a baby. Can you imagine feeling the love, peace and contentment that radiates out of a newborn? Now imagine a world with everyone feeling like that?

How happy are people when they have visited a baby? Just imagine being in touch with that level of love for yourself and how everybody around you would feel, which is why it isn’t selfish to cultivate self love.

When you have that level of self love other people feel it and it makes them feel better about themselves, which is a much more empowering way to light up the world.

“Lighthouses don’t go around saving people, they just shine their light.”

Fill yourself up and shine.

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You Are Loved

Self Love Day 7 – Love yourself enough to stop. 

Paying attention is a self loving habit, if something isn’t working or something feels off, just stop.

Stop and ask yourself what you need in that moment to make yourself feel better. Sometimes we don’t ask ourselves because we are frightened that we won’t be able to fulfil our own needs. It usually is something very simple and just requires us to be flexible.

Today after my teaching session I wasn’t feeling great but had a heap of marking to do and generally like to do it in school. I took 5 minutes to think about what I needed and it was that I should go home, have a rest, enjoy some sunshine and do the marking later.

I can have quite a fixed mindset and I most definitely dislike taking work home especially marking,  but in this instance it was much more self loving to take a break.

Make it a habit to just stop for 5 minutes, get off the hamster wheel and just ask yourself what it is you need and is there a more self loving way of doing this.

You Are Loved

Self Love Day 6

Attention, it’s all about attention. Self loving people pay attention to themselves and their needs. Yesterday I talked about breath and water and it is really interesting how our mind can convince us of something, it’s only when we really pay attention that we know what is going on.

I drink herbal tea 99% of the time so I was convinced that I was drinking enough fluids, it was only when I decided to pay attention and put my focus on it that I realised the truth, I should have had the auditors in sooner.

I decided to use the app Water Drink Monitor which records how much you drink a day against what you should drink (calculated from you inputting your weight). I was shocked to discover that I was only drinking 800ml of water a day, short of the recommended general of 2 litres a day and whey off my 4 litres calculated from the app!

In case you aren’t aware your body is roughly 75% water and your brain 90% water, so if you aren’t properly hydrated you aren’t giving yourself a chance. I won’t go into what type of water you drink, that is a new post.

You Are Loved

Self Love Day 5 – Drama Queen Alert 

Our solutions to our problems are actually very simple, but we get so caught up in creating drama and responding to others drama that we don’t get chance to catch our breath.

I am an empath, which means that I feel the feelings of people around me. It is a gift because you know how people feel and therefore can help them with their needs.

It also comes with a responsibility to look after yourself. This can appear challenging as you get caught up in everything around you, not knowing whose feelings are whom.

Last summer I was talking to someone about my dramas of being an empath and she politely asked me some questions….

How much water do you drink?

How often do you just stop and focus on your breath?

I was agahst, did this woman not know how dramatic my life was and how much time and energy I had devoted to that! Surely my problems couldn’t just be sorted by going back to basics and checking in with those first?

I decided to demote my drama queen and go back to basics, water and breath, which are the 2 most important things for the living.

Self love can mean going right back to basics and making sure our needs are met first.

You Are Loved

Self Love Day 4 – Journaling The Basics

Journaling, the how to basics……

Image result for snuggle up

When you journal you are getting in touch with a deep inner part of you, so treat yourself well. Find a nice quiet space, I personally like to light candles and incense, put on my healing music, cuddle up under a blanket and write with lovely coloured pens and in a beautiful notebook. Treat yourself well, treat yourself like royalty, a good journaling session can be a luxurious and  nurturing activity.

Relax knowing that whatever you write is perfect, don’t hold back if you feel that its not what you should be writing, just look at the prompts and just allow yourself to flow. You will be pleasantly surprised by what you uncover.

Another way of thinking about it is to imagine that you had someone sat in front of you and they actually wanted to fully listen to you and fully hear you and are completely supportive of your situation.

If you have a situation that is on your mind then here are a set of prompts to help you

  1. How am I actually feeling about this situation (no holds barred, you don’t have to share this with anybody you just need to actually acknowledge and feel your feelings).
  2. When have I felt like this before? What was the situation, who was involved, what was the outcome?
  3. What did I learn about myself in this situation?
  4. If I had a crystal ball what would that tell me? (this is a fabulous no holds barred coaching strategy, because somewhere we know what is happening, we just haven’t found a way to verbalise it yet).
  5. Go back and do it again, yes again, its amazing when you go back to something how you may a have another layer of understanding. If you can, redo it 3 times and see what happens.

Good luck with this, be kind and gentle with yourself you are doing a great job.

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You Are Loved